My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize