I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
