hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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