There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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