Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
