You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
