your parents love me but you hate me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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