Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
my liver is dry heaving
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
