yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
