Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
