I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
