Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
