I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
