He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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