mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
