I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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