I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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