I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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