I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
