Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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