i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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