he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
