Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
