college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
