Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
