its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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