just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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