yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize