Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
