3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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