I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize