I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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