i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
