I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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