This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
