is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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