So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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