i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
