Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize