We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
