a search helicopter?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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