If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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