shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
