9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
