This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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