The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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