I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
