are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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