This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
