3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
