your parents love me but you hate me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
