A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
