What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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