I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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