I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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