shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
