when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize