HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
