Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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